#THANKYOUSMASHEDGOD

How to Fall for The Wrong Person Every Time: A Guide

if you wanna be like me, which i know you do, you gotta start with getting a perpetually retarded love life. here’s how.

1. pick someone that, from day 1, makes your head VERY confused. and i don’t mean every day confused. i mean SAT, how many apples does Sarah have if she gives two to Sam. Calculate Jupiter’s mass confused. 

once you’ve acquired this person do this:

2. embark on a “i don’t care. I do what i want” journey of self discovery. this is the fun part. drink a ton of tequila, throw up in numerous bathrooms and spend a summer trying to figure out who you are and what you want out of life.

now that you’ve figured that out, DO NOTHING ABOUT IT. I REPEAT DO NOTHING ABOUT IT. IN FACT, RUN IN THE EXACT OPPOSITE DIRECTION.

3. this part is a little tricky, but position yourself in life so that you are standing in the precise area, at the exact moment and bend over into the exact position for the universe to fuck you.

4. take it. 

Now at this point you are a crying mess, you’re feeling a little used, a little wet, maybe kinda smelly but deep down, you know you’re a dirty person and you liked it.

5. go back for one more universe karma rape.

the second time around wasn’t as fun now was it? you now have baggage. go directly to jail. do not pass “go” and do not collect 200 dollars. you are fucked. your person of choice does not visit you. he does not pay your bail. in fact, no one does. 

6. you are now sitting in a mental jail. pondering your bad decisions.

7. discover that you’re better.

you are now in the position to do one of two things. you can:

A).) learn from this experience. try for better. give yourself more. say “no” to rough universe karma sexy time. handle it in a mature adult way.

OR.

B.) Ride again.

the last and final step is probably the easiest.

8. pick B

Lather, rinse, repeat until you are 30, single, bitter and have a drinking problem.